Chapter 14: Rex-Flex Universal Translator

“Captured?” asked Jackson. “What do they… does that mean what I… that can’t be right… right?” 

He was hoping it was not as bad as it seemed- that this was another Pocket Watch defense trick. But when he turned to Tarza, he saw that she was as concerned as he was. 

“It’s true,” said the elder. “It’s been confirmed by our spy in her employ.”

Azzle and Garrow exchanged their own looks of concern.

Dusty and Plod beeped at each other imperceptibly, in a conversation that was not so much about the content of the alert, but the superior resolution of the image in the hologram. 

As the words of the elder sunk in, Jackson found himself transitioning from concerned to confused (states that, throughout his life, have changed places back and forth quite frequently and freely). 

“Wait, you have a spy with President Racha?” asked Jackson.

He felt quit certain he had never been told about any spies. And in that moment, he could not believe that the Pocket Watches would have kept from him the fact that they had spy working for the President of Earth. And in the next moment, he remembered that he did not know the Pocket Watches existed until two days ago, and that perhaps more importantly, spies are meant to be secret.

Garrow nodded. “She’s the Non-Personal Assistant to the Executive Assistant to the President of Earth.”

Just mouthed the words back to himself.

“But… the Non-Personal Assistant to the Executive Assistant to the President of Earth, is Destiny Withers. My boss. Destiny is a Pocket Watch??”

“She is,” said Azzle. “And a darn good one. She foiled some plot to stop the Byzongs from capturing the President just yesterday if you can believe that! So if they were successful this time, there must have been no way to stop them.”

The elder looked at Azzle and a shook his head quietly. The moment he said it, Azzle realized his mistake.

Jackson got up from the table. “Yesterday is when they captured me! She didn’t foil it, they just got the wrong human!” Jackson didn’t care anymore whether he was supposed to talk or not. He didn’t care if these Pocket Watches were trying to save him, or his planet, or even his galaxy, he was done being a piece of someone else’s game.

“I’ve actually been thinking about that, and…” said Tarza, motioning for him to sit down. “… You see, Destiny isn’t just a spy, she’s a double agent. The Byzongs think she’s spying on Earth for them, when really she’s working for us.”

Jackson sat down slowly, trying to place the puzzle pieces together in his head.

“So, she would’ve known what their plan was for capturing President Racha?” 

Garrow nodded.

“And she would have made sure the President didn’t fall for the trap,” said Jackson.

Tarza and Azzle nodded too.

“And she would have given me a lunch break, like she did, and told me that there was a sandwich for me, like she did, knowing that my initials are T.F. for Theodore Fickle, like it said on my resume, so that I’d think the tuna fish sandwich was for me, and I’d be the one to bite it and get sucked through the black hole onto the Byzong warship instead of the President!”

Nobody nodded.

“We didn’t know any of that, specifically,” said Garrow. “But sounds right!”

Jackson sighed. 

“I can’t believe it. I was betrayed by my own boss.”

Tarza patted him on the back. “If Destiny did it, it must have been the only way to save the President, and your planet.”

Jackson nodded, then caught himself.

“But they caught her anyway!” he shouted.

“They may have stopped giving her information after the failure of their previous plan. The one based on ’tuna fish’, did you say?” said the elder.

Jackson laid his head down. His lips smooshed against the cold table.

“Yesh” he said.

All of a sudden there was a beeping from the Cosmovision 818 Series, and a grainy green hologram replaced the alerts. 

The image of a friendly-faced, dark-haired woman appeared above the center of the table, speaking into a recording device in her outstretched hand. She looked around furtively, focused on the device.

“Pocket Watches… Pocket Watches are you there?” she whispered.

“Destiny?” blurted Jackson.

Destiny pulled back in shock, squinting towards the device. “Jackson is that you?? I can’t believe you’re okay!! What are you doing on Ridgea??”

“I had no choice! You sent me to get sucked through a blackhole and now I’m on the run!!” he shouted.

Destiny looked around on her end of the chat at things that Jackson could not see in the hologram. 

“Shhhhh. Keep your voice down. Don’t get so upset. I knew you’d be okay when I did it,” she said.

“You just said ‘I can’t believe you’re okay!’” he retorted. 

Destiny paused.

“Listen, I found out about the plan just moments before it happened. And you were the only one with the same initials as tuna fish,” she said apologetically.

“Tarley Franz.” said Jackson without skipping a beat. 

“Who… is that a real person?’ asked Destiny.

“Yes! He’s in accounting, and he was on the ship too.” Jackson paused. “Not saying I would’ve wanted you to trick him instead. Just saying…”

Destiny shook her head. “I thought the only way to stop them was to give them someone else instead, while I figured out a way to get the President somewhere safe. But it didn’t work. They realized their mistake and sent in a team just as I was taking her away in an escape pod. We ran right into them.”

“And how did they realize their mistake?” interrupted Jackson right back. “When I left they still thought I was President! Maybe it was you that told them, huh? Maybe you’re just pretending to pretend to spy on Earth for them. Maybe you’re a triple agent!”

“That would just be a regular spy,” she stated. 

“Well no, but, because you’d be pretending to…wait.” Jackson needed a moment.

“They found out because you smell.”

Jackson was appalled. He looked at Tarza and shook his head nervously.

“Wha, no, I mean, listen I haven’t had a chance to—“

“Because of your smell I mean. After name, their second method of identification is smell, and they had the President’s on file from the Galaxy Leaders Summit a few years ago.”

The elder tilted his head in interest.

“They were going to send out Snoffers to follow your scent,” she continued. “But there was a discrepancy between the one on file and the one left on the ship by you, apparently in the form of large piles of sweat. Still get nervous when being interviewed huh?”

“I, well, I didn’t realize you knew that.”

“I knew.”

“So you’ll use names and smells, but not pictures??” asked Garrow.

Although Jackson did not mention it at the time, but he did not know what a Snoffer was, and wasn’t even sure that he had heard the word correctly. He could have used context clues to guess what a Snoffer was (“or did she say, ‘Snopper?’” he wondered?), but these clues would have given him a less than accurate idea of the skills that Snoffers possess. 

For starters, Snoffers are the second finest sniffers in the universe. The finest sniffers in the universe are a rare species of unicorn shrimp, who live in the deepest depths of the oceans on Merdia, an environment which is notoriously difficult, if not almost impossible, to sniff in. The origin of their abilities are unknown and perplexing, considering they do not use their sniffing to find food or smell predators. And when taken out of the ocean, they stubbornly refuse to smell a thing. When asked about this with a Rex-Flex Universal Translator, the only translator tough enough to work in absolute zero*, they have been quoted as saying only this: “not enough salt.”

*DISCLAIMER: do not try to test Rex-Flex Universal Translators in absolute zero.

Snoffers, on the other hand, love nothing more than to sniff. The atmosphere surrounding their home planet of Centarium is filled with scents from over 70,000 planets, due to a solar current that collects them and passes directly through their orbit. From the moment they are born, their turtle-like bodies begin collecting smells in the ridges of their shells. By the time they are three years old, not only do they have a catalogue of smells in their shells that would rival that of the U U of U’s Atheneum of Stenches, they have also developed the ability to track new smells across solar systems using their hyper-powered odor antennae. To top it all off, when tucked in their shells they are able to travel through space freely and safely. And, in direct contrast to the stubborn unicorn shrimp, they enjoy using their incredible talents to track smells. Most professional Snoffers are equipped with a small rocket engine, which will boost them in the right direction, once they believe they’ve caught the scent. So, it is safe to say that recognizing that Jackson and President Racha are, in fact, very different humans, would be quick work for a Snoffer.

“Um, what’s the situation over there now?” interrupted Tarza to try to change the subject.

“I’m here on the warship,” she replied. 

“Do you still have the Byzongs' confidence? Do they trust you?” asked the elder.

“I think so,” said Destiny, sounding unsure. “Luckily they think I was bringing her to them in the escape pod on purpose.”

“Hmph,” mumbled Jackson. “Textbook triple agent move.”

“Is the President going to give in to their demands?” asked Azzle.

“Worse,” said Destiny, “She’s working with them now.”

“It can’t be,” said the elder.

“It’s true,” she said. “They were planning on making her give up Earth’s secrets. They were ready to spend however long it took to find the right memories, but turns out she just wanted money.”

Jackson face softened in surprise. “Wait. What? They bribed her?”

Destiny nodded solemnly. “Turns out all they needed to do was offer her a couple vacation moons and a smaller, quieter planet to run. She said Earth wasn’t worth all the hassle and complaints. She mentioned theme parks specifically. I’m sorry but I’ve got to go. They’re going to announce it all in any moment. I think this is bigger than—.” She turned her head. “What’s that? Oh yes, coming now!” 

The hologram disappeared.